|
|
* "I like black, because that's the way I feel on the inside. I also wear a goatee and listen to Bauhaus because only
they can understand my post teenage angst (oh the pain, the pain!)" ~Jan. 12, 1998
* "No, seriously, thanks
Lan, it's a good idea and now I can actually keep track of everyone and use the information it gathers to follow your every
move, to know when you are sleeping, to know when you are awak. Have you been good? I know, I KNOW..." ~Feb. 12, 1998
* "Doesn't it always sound weird when they put in 'freaking' for the F word on TV when they show a feature film?
Like when the mob boss orders a hit and he says 'Put him to sleep with the freaking fishes.' Like this cold blooded murderer
actually thinks that 'freaking' puts more emphasis on his words." ~Feb. 20, 1998
* "If you have done anything
interesting with fish please feel free to send me the info. Unless it's really sick and disgusting. In that case send me color
photos." ~May 1 1998
* "When he gets antsy, he starts to eat. I cannot afford for him to start looking
at my refridgerator with that crazed 'My-name-is-Jason-and-I-must-consume' look."
~May 12, 1998
* "Oh
what a tangled web we weave when first we decide to drive a giant shoe salesman head across the country."
~June
10, 1998
* "That 'I Will Show You Fear...' thing is a line from a poem called 'The Wasteland' by T. S. Eliot.
It's my favorite poem. See you're getting to see the soft, frilly side of me. Liking poems and all. Don't worry, it's a manly
poem. I ain't no sissy, tree hugging, granola eating, liberal pinko commie spy or anything just cause I like a poem.
Aarrghh,
I'm all man, big old lumberjack kinda man, big ole woman loving, beer drinking, gun toting kinda man...
Let's go out
and club some baby seals." ~June 20, 1998
* "I always thought there was something fishy about Buzz Aldrin.
I mean, what kind of person is named Buzz? Maybe his mother was trying to think up a name and the doorbell went off. I dunno."
~Oct. 15, 1998
* "I got our official checks for Freakylinks Incorporated. I chose the checks with the little
bunniess and the sun shining down on the pretty fluffy clouds. I'm real big into juxtaposition." ~Oct 20, 1998
* "Oh me, oh my, he had a voice fit to chase coons up a tree. (Don't you love it when I go all southern on you?)"
~Nov 3, 1998
* "Careless use of cardboard by a semi-literate rural southerner always means good boiled peanuts.
Always." ~Nov 5, 1998
* "Tabloid much-raking journalism is where it is at!" ~Jan 10, 1999
*
"I'm a man of few vices other than of course my $200 a week crystal meth habit...just kidding Mom."
"Thus
Capricorns tend to be defensive loners, often with a single minded ambition that can lead them to great heights of power...or
wrongness." ~Feb 1, 1999
* "You ever notice that in truck stops they have a section that's just for truckers?
It looks the same as the rest of the restaurant but it's got that big 'Truckers Only' sign hanging above it. What the hell
is up with that? Is there some sort of special air over there that us normal folks ain't allowed to breathe?" ~Feb 22,
1999
* "Only downside is that it's got communal showers on each floor. I've solved that problem by taking showers
in my shorts at 3 in the morning. I also leave my belt on, clenched real tight. And I keep this insane look on my face at
all times. So far no one has even said boo to me much less asked me to pass the soap." ~Feb 25, 1999
* "People,
you got to think for yourself. Don't let politicians try and ram ideas down your throats. You ain't no dummy. Learn the facts,
see through the myth. Just because 'everybody knows it' don't make it the truth. That's why there's a disclaimer on the beginning
of the web page. Don't accept what I say as the literal end all and be all. Go and find out for yourself. Make your brain
work for a second or two instead of force feeding it cable porn and sitcoms. If you don't think then you have no one to blame
but yourself when you find society ain't the way you want it to be." ~March 15, 1999
* "That's right,
stop reading this web page right now in your stuffy little cubicle, get up and go tell the boss that you're bored as hell
and you're not going to take it anymore. Tear up those post-it notes, rip off that headphone mic you use to answer the phone
and arise wage slaves. You have nothing to lose except your shackles of oppression.
Well, that's not exactly the truth.
You'd also lose your weekly paycheck, your medical benefits and any profit sharing planes you and your company may currently
enjoy together. On second thought maybe you shouldn't tear up those post-it notes. You might need 'em later for that meeting.
And hey you, quit hitting that computer with your mouse and get back to work. We need that report by Wednesday." ~June
1, 1999
* "Anyway, why would someone fake autopsy pictures? Oh yea, I forgot, to sell them to FOX for a network
special." ~July 1, 1999
* "Think I'll go wear my tinfoil hat now." ~July 29, 1999
* "A
big freaky hello to all the feminists who took time out of their bra-burning schedule to email me complaints about last week's
rant. I still don't think a hooker is a derogative term but if it will make you feel better I'm now calling all prostitutes
'party chicks.'" ~Sept 10, 1999
* "Being a guest of honor I was obliged to give a speech. I was nervous
till I saw how things are done up here in the land that time forgot. So out of respect for the crowd I was with, I just got
hammered before I went on stage. Can't remember a damned thing I said. It must have been Bigfoot related however since everyone
was applauding me when I got up off the floor." ~Sept 20, 1999
* "Come to think of it I don't think you
should jog at all. I read this story that the average jogger lives an extra two years than the non-jogger. The irony is that
those two years are all spent jogging. Me? I prefer to eat a donut as I walk my dog." ~Oct 20, 1999
* "I'm
going to start the next internet rumor just to screw with people. Something along the lines of 'The face on Mars is getting
a facelift.'" ~Nov 7, 1999
* "Nothing illegal now, don't go robbing the local liquor store. If, however,
you decide you're the reincarnation of J. Edgar Hoover then that's fine. Go ahead and wear frilly dresses and make all the
citizens arrests you want. I just need the footage. This web site is a hungry monster and it demands to be fed." ~Nov
10, 1999
* "I've bugged Lan enough till she's taught me how to cuss in Vietnamese. That always comes in handy
when phone solicitors call. I just start screaming at them in Vietnamese until they hang up. I want to try it on Jehovah's
Witnesses, but they never come by. Maybe they know me too well. Maybe I'm on some anti-visitation list." ~Dec 1, 1999
* "Ready for Y2K? We're getting ready to batten down the hatches over here at Freak central. I joke about it
but Jason went out and bought a semi-automatic rifle.
'What up with that?' I asked him.
'Self defense in case society
breaks down,' he answered through his beard covered mouth.
Well, if Y2K does happen, society crumbles and Jason becomes
the feudal lord of Central Florida this may be the last time I get to talk to ya. Be good and remember not to shoot the looters
until you can see the whites of their eyes." ~Dec 20, 1999
* "How you doing? What brings a nice girl like
you to a sleazy web page like this? You dig my suit? Gen-u-wine thunderbird skin, I tanned it myself. That's right baby, I'm
hip and with-it and decked out to the paranormal nines. The shoes are hoopsnakehide, the cologne is Aroma de Extoplasmic and
the silver chain was a werewolf bullet that I had melted down. You wanna go for a ride in the freak-mobile? It's an automatic,
hydromatic 4 wheelin' greased lighting ride of your life complete with simulated Shroud of Turin bucket seats.
Hey baby,
where you going? I ain't good enough for you? Well then can I at least get a DNA sample so I can clone ya sometime?"
~Jan 12 2000
* "I would just make up something mumbo-jumbo-ish and pass it off as a serious response. This
made for lots of interesting parent-teacher conferences. 'I'm sorry, Mrs. Barnes, but Derek seems to think that the 3rd law
of physics is "Objects remain in motion until they get vaporized by space aliens." This of course is not correct.'
Of course it's not correct, everybody knows that the aliens teleport stuff, they don't vaporize anymore." ~March 1, 2000
* "You know, I often wonder what cryptozoologists do on their off days. Somehow I don't think that playing with
the family dog would be that exciting for them. Maybe one of 'em has a gene splicing lab down in the basement to mix and match
his favorite animal parts with others. Now that would be a little ore interesting. If Rover had another set off legs so he
could chase the Frisbee just a little bit faster. Or if the goldfish had wings so they could float around the room in little
self-contained water bubbles...I think maybe my brain has gone into wishful thinking mode again."
~March 30, 2000
* "So besides Jason sounding like a buzzsaw every night, how was it? Lemme just say that I'm no outdoorsman.
I thought I could deal with roughing it for a few days, knowing that I would be back in the comforting arms of electricity
but after day two I was ready to crawl up the nearest tree (that's what they call those big things out in the woods that stick
up into the air and have lost of little green things attached to them) and try to flag down William Shatner for a little Rescue
911 action. To be short and to the point: THE WOODS SUCK!" ~April 17, 2000
* "And if you see two guys
flying up Interstate 65 screaming 'That giant possum has gotta be around here somewhere' you'll know it's me and Jason...(or
Jason and I id we're feeling semi-literate at the time)." ~June 22, 2000
* "Oh wait, I think one of the
models at the pool is trying to make eye contact with me...Nope, she was just getting some smog out of her eye." ~July
30, 2000
* "Ok, gotta split, Jason's down at the pool bothering the models and I need to go help him...I mean
I need to make sure he's not going to get us kicked ou. (Just nod your head in agreement.)" ~July 31, 2000
*
"If you're anywhere north of San Francisco I urge you to stay off the major freeways for the nect couple of days cause
the brakes are shot and I'm way too wired on coffee to care a whole lot." ~August 4, 2000
* "Never, ever
buy a car using the 'first thing I find in the shortest amount of time' theory." ~August 5, 2000
* "Ok,
who had the big idea to stick these big mountain things right in the middle of Interstate 5? Since I'm from the flatlands
of Florida I was a little surprised to see what looked like the Himalayas looming through my windshield. I mean for God's
sake it's August and some of these suckers have snow on top of them. It just ain't right I tell ya. Not right at all. Remind
me to have this stuff flattened out and paved over when I become King of the Known Universe." ~August 6, 2000
*
"Ok, rule number one when you are in Las Vegas and playing poker...never keep drinking those free cocktails they give
ya. I'm sure there was a rule number two but I got way too drunk to remember it." ~August 14, 2000
* "Actually,
it was pretty surreal being in Graceland with all the hard-core Elvis fans. They don't have a real person give you the tour
but instead make you wear these headphones and listen to a cassette tape as you wander through the few rooms they allow you
into. Basically this means that you have all these people walking around bumping into things and yelling to each other over
the sound coming out of the earphones. Jason and I could only take about 40 seconds of the madness before we started laughing
manically and had to leave." ~August 18, 2000
* "Good question and give yourself an extra slice of Chupacabra
pie for asking (chupacabra, it's the other, other white meat)."
"Not to mention I have an angry midget chasing
me around and taking pictures when I ain't properly attired."
~Sept 15, 2000
* "Well step right up,
baby boy. I'm a lean, mean, freak-fighting machine. I'll burst your bubble. I'll separate the fact from the fiction. I'll
separate the yolk from the white. I'll stand outside in the rain cause I just don't give a damn. I ain't got no scruples when
it comes to chasing down the truth. I got the snake drive. I am 50 feet tall. When I walk the woods tremble, the dark gods
quiver in fear. I wear black cause that's the way I feel on the inside. I got thunderbird skin boots that shine in the moonlight.
I glow in the dark. I am the one and the only. I float like a butterfly and sting like a chupacabra. I eat taztelwurms for
breakfast and use a werewolf fang for a toothpick. I floated a sea serpent up the Mississippi and lost it in a poker game
to H.P. Lovecraft, Charles Fort, and the Invisible Man (who was cheating with a hidden ace under his bandages). I go faster
than the speed of light. When I walk into a room, the good guys smile and the bad guys get nervous. I make the monsters go
away. I'm so tough I sleep with my foot hanging off the bed and the closet light off. I walk alone down a dark alley with
a smile on my face and a silver bullet as a lucky charm cause I am..., I am..." ~Oct 11, 2000
* "I've
been thinking lately about trying to come up with a catch phrase. You know, something like 'Shazam' or 'Oh mighty Isis.' Something
I could shout out at times of crises to rally the troops. (Or maybe just something to yell out in crowded restaurants.) So
far I haven't had any luck. Jason is quick to point out that Hurdy Gur is a perfectly good catch phrase and maybe he's right.
I keep hoping it'll spread across the country like a virus till one day I'll be passing a kid on the street and overhear him
saying 'Hurdy Gur' to his friend. (hey, a man's gotta have his dreams, right?)" ~Oct 27, 2000
* "Gotta
go before the Freemasons discover my whereabouts and try to run me over with those funny Shriner go-carts." ~Nov 17,
2000
* "Actually to tell you the truth, I really dig those frapachinos from Starbucks but don't tell anybody...it
might effect my hard core paranormal image, ya know?"
"Remember kids, I go to Alabama so you don't have to...(And
if you live in Alabama just lemme say that the last statement was a joke. I love Alabama and its people are like a family
to me. A strange, misguided, slightly squinty eyed family that lives out back in a trailer, but a family nonetheless)."
~Dec 8, 2000
* "Greetings from Ground Zero of the Presidential Wars,
I sit here in the underground Freakylinks
bunker, while the rest of Florida explodes into conflict above me. Above my head I can hear the rattle of small arms fire
pinging off voting machines, I can smell the odor of burning ballots wafting down into my shelter. I glance at my stockpile
of Fudgesicles and Chunky Soup, hoping that I have enough to last me through this crisis.
On the streets above me, armed
bands of Democrats and Republicans clash with one another. Their cries of 'recount' and 'finality' echo through the deserted
streets like the screams of babies having their favorite toy snatched away. I throw another lock on the door and pray they
don't come looking for another recruit into their mad political schemes.
News of the war is spotty but I've been able
to hear a few tidbits of information by tuning into my official Barry Goldwater ham radio. Here's what I know:
Jeb Bush
has declared himself 'Governor for Life' and is currently holed up in his Tallahassee Governors mansion where he issues new
proclamations upon the hour. His last order was for all Alabama college girls to get their butts to Panama City Beach where
the first annual 'Bush Beer Bash' is to be held.
Scattered reports out of South Florida report that roving gangs of elderly
senior citizens are arming themselves with stolen National Guard weapons and using them to force everyone to play bingo and
drive in the left hand lane with the right turn signal on. They are now in the process of blowing up all bridges leading into
the city but say it might take a while since they promised their grandchildren to 'bake a nice bundt cake.'
Cuban immigrants
in Miami have announced that they are seceding from the US and that Dade County has been named 'Cuba-2.' Recently arrived
President-elect Elian has ordered that Cuba-2's first order of business is to invade Disney World.
....and so the madness
continues"
~Nov 22, 2000
* "There can't be too much wrong in the world when there's chocolate cake
in the fridge." ~Jan 3, 2001
* "'Nature abhors a vacuum.' -some old proverb
'The supernatural also
abhors a vacuum, what's more, it even hates to sweep up after itself.'" -Derek Barnes
"Yeah, you wouldn't know
it by looking at me but I'm the paranormal version of Bob Villa. Next time you come by and visit remind me to show you the
brand spanking new end table I made for the Freakylinks casa." ~Jan 19, 2001
|
|
|
