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*Celebrities*
"I always thought Prince Charming in 'Cinderella' would be the most boring character; I'd rather be the Wicked Witch."
~Jude Law
"There's only two kinds of people in this world: the people who sit around smoking heroin all day and the kids who love
Star Wars. I prefer the kids who love Star Wars." ~Beck
* "I like Cheerios. That's one that never goes out of style. Plus they're round. I like round food." ~Beck, on
his favorite cereal
* People either want to rock, cry, or get it on. ~Beck
This is from when Kevin Nealon was on Leno in the middle of June 2001. It amused me for some random reason...
Kevin-
"A lot of people blame violence on television and film and I don't think that's fair. Here's my theory, Jay, if you've
got a minute."
Jay- "Yeah, sure."
Kevin- "I think it's alarm clocks."
Jay-
"You feel alarm clocks..."
Kevin- "Yeah, I think that's the cause of violence in our society. And
I'm gonna tell you why right now."
Jay- "Alright."
Kevin- "It's because it wakes you
up abruptly, it puts you in a bad mood, you're irritable, you don't wanna talk to anybody, you know what I mean?"
Jay- "Yeah"
Kevin- "And I think you should just wake up naturally and that's when you should show
up for work or school, you know?"
Jay- "Just whenever..."
Kevin- "Yeah, yeah, or...or...or
maybe they should have an alarm clock that wakes you up with the human voice. Just real easy '[softly] C'mon buddy, time
to get up. You're looking good. Nice day ahead of you out there...[gets louder] Okay, c'mon, get out of bed. You get out
of bed before I kick you out! YOU GET OUT OF BED!' and then you hit the 'snooze' alarm '[softly] Sorry, buddy, didn't mean
that. You're looking good, man."
This is from Live with Regis and Kelly. Don't ask me why I got such a kick out of this, but needless to say, I did.
Alan Thicke- "A lot of what I do is ad lib, you're hosting shows and whatnot and it's good to come to the theatre
for the discipline of it. It's like a good spanking."
Regis- "Which incidently you've always enjoyed!
Oh yeah! I know the old Alan Thicke!"
* Those who are late DO NOT get fruit cup! ~Rich Eisen
* ...the city of Brotherly Love Handles. ~Leno about Philly
*Movies*
These are a few quotes from Moulin Rouge that I really liked for some reason or other:
*Argentinean's lead-in monologue
to 'El Tango de Roxanne':
"We have a dance in the brothels of Buenos Aires. It tells the story of a prostitute
and a man who falls in love with her. First, there is desire; then passion; then suspicion, jealousy, anger, betrayal. Where
love is for the highest bidder, there can be no trust. Without trust, there is no love. Jealousy... jealousy will drive
you mad!"
* "Love! Above all things, I believe in love. Love is like oxygen. Love is a many splendored
thing. Love lifts us up where we belong. All you need is love." ~Christian
* "The greatest thing you'll
ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." ~Christian / 'Nature Boy'
*"Never fall in love with
a woman who sells herself. It always ends bad!" ~Argentinean
This is everyone's favorite speech from "Trainspotting":
"Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career.
Choose a family. Choose a
fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players
and electrical
tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental
insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose
a starter home.
Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a
three-piece suite on hire purchase
in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY
and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on
that
couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing
fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away
at the end of it all,
pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarassment to
the selfish, fucked
up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your
future. Choose life. But why would I want to do a thing like that?
I chose
not to choose life. I chose something else. And the reasons? There are no
reasons. Who needs reasons when
you got heroin?"
-Renton, Trainspotting
* I am not under any orders to make the world a better place. ~Ethan Hawke in 'Reality Bites'
* "Stop thinking. It gives you premature wrinkles." ~Alyssa Milano in Fear
* Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken. ~Fight Club
* Dr. Jekyll and Mr jackass. ~Fight Club
From Mystery Men:
* "Don't mess with a volcano, man. I will go Pompeii on your ass." ~Ben Stiller
* "Well,
I am a ticking time bomb of fury." ~Stiller
* "Dad, I'm going up to my room with three strange men." ~the
Invisible Boy
* "Please don't correct me. It sickens me." ~Stiller
* "You must be like the wolf pack,
not like the six-pack." ~Wise Man
* "I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines." ~Stiller
* I love to lurk. It's so me. ~Snidley Whiplash
* They don't have meetings about rainbows. ~Haley Joel Osment "6th Sense"
* I'd like to communicate with you
now. ~Osment "6th Sense"
* "Watching TV shows doesn't create psycho killers. Cancelling the shows does!" ~Scary Movie (i agree with this
quote even though the movie was horrendously horrid)
* "Cheerleaders are just dancers gone retarded." ~Bring
It On
* "I love to see a fat guy score." ~The Replacements
* Movies don't create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative. ~Skeet Ulrich 'Scream'
* "What's your motive?"
~neve campbell "Peer pressure. I'm way too sensitive." ~matthew Lillard 'Scream'
* Careful. This is when the
supposedly dead killer comes back to life for one last skit. ~'Scream'
* Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries. ~Wayne, 'Wayne's World'
* If a frog had wings, it wouldn't
bump its ass when it hops. ~Cassandra
* Sometimes I wish I could go where no man has gone before. ~Garth
* Did you
ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny? ~Garth
* A sphincter says 'What?' ~Wayne
* I'll have the creamofsomeyoungguy. ~Wayne
*Television*
From "DARIA"
* I guess no matter what type parents you have they will eventually drive you crazy. ~Daria
*
You know, it's the darndest thing. I can't feel my arm. ~Jake
* Note to self: stop by courthouse on way home and pick
up restraining order. ~jane
* "Daria, my eldest, my heir..." ~jake "Well if I can manage to bump off Mom
and make it look like an accident..." ~daria
* I'm a kid. It's my job to be hyper. ~brandis on Seaquest
* It's not everyday you get your butt kissed by two planets.
~Brody on SeaQuest
* MacGyver had cats and he was cool. ~Spade "Just Shoot Me"
* My fellow nerds and I will retire to the nerdery with our calculators. ~Spade 'Tommy Boy'
* It's called reading...top
to bottom, left to right...group words together to make a sentence. ~Spade 'Tommy Boy'
* I think our Johnny's high! ~kitt on 'That 70s Show'
* You are an evil little foreign man. Don't ever change. ~hyde to
fez 'That 70s Show'
* You're never too old to burn to death in a fire. ~red 'That 70s Show'
* "I thought you gave us your key when you moved out." ~Matthew Lawrence "Yeah, well I decided to keep a copy
in case I wanted to, you know, seek revenge." ~Will Friedle "Boy Meets World"
* I don't like cemeteries.
There's a high concentration of dead people. ~cory
* "So you want to go volunteer to be experimented on?" ~eric
"Sure." ~jack
* How come when Michelle Kwan skates it's sexy but when Elvis Stoyko skates I just want to stick a fork in my eye? ~Odd Man
Out
* When they see a female, they say, "Oh I understand her" and they absorb her into their Estrogen Cult.
~Odd Man Out (talking about his family)
* I'm handling it, my pants are not on fire... ~Odd Man Out
* If Sting retires, will he change his name to 'Stung'? ~Colin Mockery 'Whose Line is it Anyway?'
"2B or not 2B, that is the pencil. ~yakko
Very sharp. ~wakko
And yet, pointless." ~Dot
~Animaniacs
* I have no choice but to sell you all for scientific experiments. ~Monty Python 'Meaning of Life'
* "When the going gets tough, the tough get aeronautical." ~Murdock in A-Team episode 'Skins'
* "You
know why I wanted to become a doctor?" ~Ben
"Flattering drawstring pants?" ~demon, on 'Buffy'
*Books*
* Before you kill somebody, make absolutely sure he isn't well connected. ~Slaughterhouse-Five
* "I don't
want to die now!" he yelled. "I've still got a headache! I don't want to go to heaven with a headache, I'll be
all cross and wouldn't enjoy it!" ~Arthur Dent from Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
* Bypasses are devices
which allow people to dash from point A to point B very fast whilst other people dash from point B to point A very fast.
People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that
so many people from point B are so keen to get there, and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are
so keen to get there. They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be.
~Hitch Hiker's Guide
* "You know," said Arthur, "it's at times like this, when I'm trapped in a
Vogan airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space that I really wish I'd listened to
what my mother told me when I was young."
"Why, what did she tell you?"
"I don't know, I
didn't listen."
~Arthur Dent and Ford Prefect in Hitch Hiker's Guide
*One of the things Ford Prefect had
always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious,
as in "It's a nice day," or "You're very tall," or "Oh dear you seem to have fallen down a thirty-foot
well, are you alright?" At first Ford had formed a theory to account for this strange behavior. If human beings don't
keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up. After a few months' consideration and observation
he abandoned his theory in favour of a new one. If they don't keep on exercising their lips, he thought, their brains start
working. After a while he abandoned this one as well as being obstructively cynical and decided he quite liked human beings
after all, but he always remained desperately worried about the terrible number of things they didn't know about. ~Hitch
Hiker's Guide
* My mind is like fine wine; it travels badly. I go from thought to thought but not with logic, and I forget things. ~Inigo
'The Princess Bride'
* If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say, in a pleasant and hopeful voice, "Well, this
isn't too bad. I don't have my left arm anymore, but at least nobody will ever ask me whether I am right-handed or left-handed,"
but most of us would say something more along the lines of "Aaaaah! My arm! My arm!" ~A Series of Unfortunate Events:
The Miserable Mill by Lemony Snicket
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